Although this is still painful, I am grateful for this experience - the pain is short term but the lessons learnt are lifetime. I feel that in the long term I would be a much better person because of it. Someone who is more observant and more initiative.
That aisde, my friend have helped a lot in rationalizing all this, and after thinking about it, I have also come to my own reasons to get over this.
And I think it is super important to write this down, to help me get over it now and to remind me of it in the future.
Now, if I really want to stop our friendship forever and cut off all contact, I would rationalize this whole event with the most negative things about that person, like:
1. Fickle-minded
2. Trying to lead people / laying a trap with false signals
3. Attention-seeking / enjoy the feeling of being pursue by many people
4. Something much worser that I cannot even bring myself to write it here (who would do something like that?)
Now, I do not like to think the worst of people, and I genuinely think she is not somone like that (at least at this point of time).
Even I am confused about what I am feeing, what more someone who is so young? So, I prefer to rationalize it as:
1. She is confused about her own feelings (towards me and others)
2. She is immature / trying to fill some kind of void in her life.
3. She legitly felt obliged to keep to her word.
...
Ultimately, does it really matter?
Action speaks louder than words. She may say one thing. She may keep crying. She may say she regret things and claim she has more feeling for you.
But no matter what was said, the choice she made in the end speaks for everything.
It does not matter how much a person say she likes you. The fact that she did not choose you in the end already says everything.
At worst, the feeling wasn't there in the first place (and she is all the type of person described above). At best, the feeling wasn't strong enough for her to choose you.
So, what more is there to hold on to?
:)
I felt much better after writing this post.
Saturday, January 18, 2020
Complex Emotions
Isn't weird how we can confuse feelings of:
- The Love of genuinely liking someone
- The Regret of a missed opportunity / sense of loss
- The Fear of being alone
Yes, emotions are complex - they are not binary and they are not stand-alone. That makes it difficult to evaluate them in a vaccum.
But sometimes it is really a 当局者迷 kind of thing... you really need someone who have been through this to offer a different perspective, especially when you are someone who is not constantly 'in the game'.
Really happy to talk so much with a good friend for an entire evening. Super thankful for his advice and sharing of his own experience.
Felt so much better and relieve.
Somehow I already feel that I am on the way to getting over this.
- The Love of genuinely liking someone
- The Regret of a missed opportunity / sense of loss
- The Fear of being alone
Yes, emotions are complex - they are not binary and they are not stand-alone. That makes it difficult to evaluate them in a vaccum.
But sometimes it is really a 当局者迷 kind of thing... you really need someone who have been through this to offer a different perspective, especially when you are someone who is not constantly 'in the game'.
Really happy to talk so much with a good friend for an entire evening. Super thankful for his advice and sharing of his own experience.
Felt so much better and relieve.
Somehow I already feel that I am on the way to getting over this.
Monday, January 13, 2020
Killing My Other Self
Sorry I had to ignore your messages, because anything you do for me now will simply make the ZZ that likes you stronger.
He is no longer wanted nor needed in this world, so I had to do what I can to kill him.
Everything within my power.
Everything I can.
He is fking strong. So strong. Much stronger than I thought.
He wakes me up in the middle of the night, when I have having lunch, when I am using Whatsapp, when I am at office. When I am doing fking anything.
He is ripping my heart out and shattering it. He is making me cry, making me feel like dying.
Everytime he comes out, I need to stab him without hestiation.
Each time he show himself, I must show him no mercy.
Give him no chance to build momentum. Give him no chance to linger. No chance to grow.
I don't know how long it will take, but I will kill him.
Even if I can't, I would knock him into a coma forever.
Once he is dead, I can look for and bring back the ZZ that is your best friend.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k0GQSJrpVhM
He is no longer wanted nor needed in this world, so I had to do what I can to kill him.
Everything within my power.
Everything I can.
He is fking strong. So strong. Much stronger than I thought.
He wakes me up in the middle of the night, when I have having lunch, when I am using Whatsapp, when I am at office. When I am doing fking anything.
He is ripping my heart out and shattering it. He is making me cry, making me feel like dying.
Everytime he comes out, I need to stab him without hestiation.
Each time he show himself, I must show him no mercy.
Give him no chance to build momentum. Give him no chance to linger. No chance to grow.
I don't know how long it will take, but I will kill him.
Even if I can't, I would knock him into a coma forever.
Once he is dead, I can look for and bring back the ZZ that is your best friend.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k0GQSJrpVhM
Wednesday, January 01, 2020
Letter To Shareholders (17) - Performance Review 2019Q4
Operating Updates
Action 1 - Topping Up CPF
Yes, I finally did it.
This is something I have been contemplating for the past few years but never had the courage to do. Even up till the point of pressing "transfer", I still have this "sinking" feeling that I am transferring $7000 that I would never see again in my life... Still, logic won over the heart in the end. A huge reason for this is I am single and do not have someone to leave a legacy for in the future. Otherwise, it would be a much easier choice (i.e if i have a kid I would definitely top up).
For the past few years, I had Maxigain which gave me near 2.5% interest, almost as good as CPF-OA. It was a huge 'deterrence' for not making top-ups. Now, a combination of factors made me pulled the trigger.
1. The yield between the "public" risk-free rate and CPF has widened much more.
2. There is a limit cap on those with better interest.
3. Stock market (especially REITs) at all-time high and compressed yields.
4. Accumulated decades of emergency funds and my passive income can now cover all basic expenses. This means much less chance I need to tap on the cash.
5. Basically met FRS, which means I can withdraw the money at age 55.
6. Might as well earn some tax-relief.
Anyway, the topping-up experience was much smoother than I expected - near instanteous and the contribution appear on my statement immediately! Cool!
*Tip: Top up near the end of the month as CPF interest is calculated based on the lowest balance of the month. It means you get to earn interest elsewhere for that 20+ more days.
Action 2 - Hacking DBS Multipler Using Insurance
Coupling the "1st year 35% discount" promotion and "Insurance only recognized for the 1st year" clause makes advancing to the next tier a no brainer.
The way I see it, I am paying $7+ per month in order to get higher interest for an extra $50K.
Assuming a very conservative 1% higher interst, that is $500 more per year which is $40+ per month. Deducitng $7+, I am still gaining $33 more income per month. And that is "at the very least".
In good months where I can clock the highest tier, it can amount to about $100 more! Which means, 1 good month and I would have more than pay off the entire year of insurance cost.
Yum yum!
(Note: This was written before DBS Multiplier announced change from Feb 2020. We will have to see how to mitigate the impact)
Performance Review Highlights / Acquisitions & Developments
Many actions this month: Averaged down on EHT, brought F&N, Capitamall Trust and Accordia Golf Trust (gambling on its acquistion deal)
Overall, our portfolio recovered strongly (nearly $10K from capital gains alone) thanks largely to Singtel and various REITs.
Total dividends for Q4 stand at $1100, slightly lower than last year's $1200.
Operating Highlights - Income
Salary and total income took a big hit due to the much reduced bonus (essentially 1 month lesser). I think many did not expect it to be this bad.
We earned some $500+ side income from multiple sales on Carousell (as part of my journey towards Minimalism), birthday gifts and long service award.
Operating Highlights - Expenses
1-time expenses were higher thanks to higher income tax and Samsung Galaxy Note 10 (purchased on the last day of the year!) to finally replace my S7 which I have used for 3 years!
Regular expenses are in-line, but is definitely inching towards the higher side now. I forsee this trend to continue as I continue to indulge in Starbucks, Tiger Sugar, Boost Juice and generally nicer food ($10 to $15 for lunch) more frequently.
Side note: Layers Senpai has a really good series summarizing 1 of the best investing book : Little Book of Value Investing
The biggest bombshell this quarter was the unexpected amendment to Citibank Maxigain, which took me by surprise. It was a huge blow to my safe passive income as it dropped from "0.8% of SIBOR + 1.2% Bonus" to "0.5% of SIBOR + 0.6% Bonus".
It is atrocious that they dare sent a letter saying all other "features" of Maxigain account remains unchanged. Yes, all the negatives you mean, like "not being able to withdraw".
I should have seen this coming (though I did not expect such a big change so quickly after the last). I threw the chance to enter SSB when it was at near 2% for 1 year interest and can only regret now, haha... the rate has since plummet to 1.5+% for 1 year and 1.7+% for 10 years.
Nonetheless, closing this account (on 2nd Dec 2019) meant freeing up a huge stash of ammuntion that has nowhere to go. With DBS Multiplier max-ed out and CIMB Fastsaver giving only 1%+... it was a huge headache.
After much deliberation on available options:
1. SSB at 1.5+%, pro-rated interest and withdrawable anytime.
2. CIMB Fixed Deposit at 1.7% for 3 months.
3. Stashaway Simple at 1.9% (projected).
I finally settled on 2 remedial action.
It is atrocious that they dare sent a letter saying all other "features" of Maxigain account remains unchanged. Yes, all the negatives you mean, like "not being able to withdraw".
I should have seen this coming (though I did not expect such a big change so quickly after the last). I threw the chance to enter SSB when it was at near 2% for 1 year interest and can only regret now, haha... the rate has since plummet to 1.5+% for 1 year and 1.7+% for 10 years.
Nonetheless, closing this account (on 2nd Dec 2019) meant freeing up a huge stash of ammuntion that has nowhere to go. With DBS Multiplier max-ed out and CIMB Fastsaver giving only 1%+... it was a huge headache.
After much deliberation on available options:
1. SSB at 1.5+%, pro-rated interest and withdrawable anytime.
2. CIMB Fixed Deposit at 1.7% for 3 months.
3. Stashaway Simple at 1.9% (projected).
I finally settled on 2 remedial action.
Yes, I finally did it.
This is something I have been contemplating for the past few years but never had the courage to do. Even up till the point of pressing "transfer", I still have this "sinking" feeling that I am transferring $7000 that I would never see again in my life... Still, logic won over the heart in the end. A huge reason for this is I am single and do not have someone to leave a legacy for in the future. Otherwise, it would be a much easier choice (i.e if i have a kid I would definitely top up).
For the past few years, I had Maxigain which gave me near 2.5% interest, almost as good as CPF-OA. It was a huge 'deterrence' for not making top-ups. Now, a combination of factors made me pulled the trigger.
1. The yield between the "public" risk-free rate and CPF has widened much more.
2. There is a limit cap on those with better interest.
3. Stock market (especially REITs) at all-time high and compressed yields.
4. Accumulated decades of emergency funds and my passive income can now cover all basic expenses. This means much less chance I need to tap on the cash.
5. Basically met FRS, which means I can withdraw the money at age 55.
6. Might as well earn some tax-relief.
Anyway, the topping-up experience was much smoother than I expected - near instanteous and the contribution appear on my statement immediately! Cool!
*Tip: Top up near the end of the month as CPF interest is calculated based on the lowest balance of the month. It means you get to earn interest elsewhere for that 20+ more days.
Action 2 - Hacking DBS Multipler Using Insurance
Coupling the "1st year 35% discount" promotion and "Insurance only recognized for the 1st year" clause makes advancing to the next tier a no brainer.
The way I see it, I am paying $7+ per month in order to get higher interest for an extra $50K.
Assuming a very conservative 1% higher interst, that is $500 more per year which is $40+ per month. Deducitng $7+, I am still gaining $33 more income per month. And that is "at the very least".
In good months where I can clock the highest tier, it can amount to about $100 more! Which means, 1 good month and I would have more than pay off the entire year of insurance cost.
Yum yum!
(Note: This was written before DBS Multiplier announced change from Feb 2020. We will have to see how to mitigate the impact)
Performance Review Highlights / Acquisitions & Developments
Many actions this month: Averaged down on EHT, brought F&N, Capitamall Trust and Accordia Golf Trust (gambling on its acquistion deal)
Overall, our portfolio recovered strongly (nearly $10K from capital gains alone) thanks largely to Singtel and various REITs.
Total dividends for Q4 stand at $1100, slightly lower than last year's $1200.
Salary and total income took a big hit due to the much reduced bonus (essentially 1 month lesser). I think many did not expect it to be this bad.
We earned some $500+ side income from multiple sales on Carousell (as part of my journey towards Minimalism), birthday gifts and long service award.
Operating Highlights - Expenses
1-time expenses were higher thanks to higher income tax and Samsung Galaxy Note 10 (purchased on the last day of the year!) to finally replace my S7 which I have used for 3 years!
Regular expenses are in-line, but is definitely inching towards the higher side now. I forsee this trend to continue as I continue to indulge in Starbucks, Tiger Sugar, Boost Juice and generally nicer food ($10 to $15 for lunch) more frequently.
Outlook
More to come in the annual report.Side note: Layers Senpai has a really good series summarizing 1 of the best investing book : Little Book of Value Investing
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